What You Should Not Say To Someone With Anxiety?

Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S., affecting 40 million adults in the United States age 18 and older, most of them women.¹ If you care about  someone with anxiety, it can be difficult to know the right things to say, especially if their anxiety has negative effects on your relationship. While it may be tempting to dismiss someone’s anxiety if their worries seem irrational or try to pile on suggestions to “fix” their condition, these actions might end up making things worse. To help you improve communication, we’ve compiled several things you should not say to someone with anxiety as well as tips to speak to them more effectively and compassionately.

Things You Shouldn’t Say 

If you do not struggle with an anxiety disorder, the worried thoughts of others may come off as irrational. In an attempt to help minimize their distress, you might laugh off an anxious friend’s worries, leading them to feel ashamed. Or you might share some tips and recommendations, leading them to feel like someone who needs to be fixed. 

According to Joseph McGuire, Ph.D., a pediatric psychologist with Johns Hopkins Medicine, people are often dismissive of people experiencing anxiety because of the invisibility of most anxiety symptoms.² He says, “With other medical illnesses, you may be able to see physical symptoms. But with anxiety, you don’t necessarily see what the person is dealing with. So it’s important to be sensitive to what the person with anxiety is going through, even if it doesn’t make sense to you.” 

When speaking sensitively to someone with anxiety, be sure not to make these statements:

• “Calm down.” Telling someone to calm down, whether they have anxiety or not, rarely helps. If the person with anxiety knew how to calm down, they would have already done it, and your demand may only come off as patronizing. 
• “I know how you feel. I had a panic attack when the hairstylist cut my hair a few inches too short.” This kind of statement compares your mild disappointment in a haircut (or some other passing event) to the intensity of a true panic attack that comes with diagnosable anxiety disorders. Comparing your temporary stress to their overwhelming, often debilitating condition only invalidates their experience.
• “It’s not a big deal. Stop worrying.” You might be well-meaning when you tell an anxious person that their worries are irrelevant, but all they hear is dismissiveness, which is apt to make them feel ashamed.
• “Just breathe/get a massage/go to yoga, etc.” While breathing exercises, yoga, and other mindfulness practices may help someone with anxiety, they aren’t a one-size-fits-all solution. Even more, your friend might not be looking for a solution, but rather a sounding board. 
• “It’s all in your head.” Most anxious people know that their anxiety is all in their head. This is not new information and you saying it simply dismisses their valid concerns and makes them feel more alone.

What to Say to Friends & Family With Anxiety 

When an anxious friend or family member confides in you, it’s important to note the courage it took them to open up. Here are some compassionate things you might say the next time someone you love shares their anxious thoughts with you:

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• I’m here for you. 
• I can see you’re really worried.
• What can I do to help?
• Let’s take a quiet walk together.
• Take your time.
• I love you no matter what.

These statements may also help you communicate more effectively with your anxious child. And it’s important to note that sometimes the best way to support an anxious friend or family member is by simply being present. Instead of telling someone to calm down and take a breath, hold space and take a breath with them, letting them know that they are never alone.  

At a calmer, less anxious time, you might explore strategies together to help them manage their anxiety, but only if they are open to it. In addition to holding space for them, consider practicing mindfulness together, such as taking mindful walks, attending a yoga class together, or simply sharing a healthy meal. 

Another suggestion you can make is to try Brillia, a gentle yet impactful non-prescription remedy that helps reduce symptoms of anxiety without harmful side effects. Brillia works best when combined with healthier lifestyle choices, such as following a nutritious diet, controlling screen time, getting adequate sleep and practicing mindfulness and relaxation techniques. Brillia’s uses an antibody to the brain-specific S100 protein (S100B), a protein responsible for regulating many different intracellular and extracellular brain processes. It has no harmful side effects and no contraindications, so if your friend or family member is already taking medication, they can add Brillia to their regimen without worry. Find out more about how Brillia works for adults, teens, and children struggling with anxiety issues. 

References: ¹https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/facts-statistics, ²https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/treatment-tests-and-therapies/how-to-help-someone-with-anxiety

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Erica Garza

Erica Garza is an author and essayist from Los Angeles. She holds an MFA from Columbia University and a certificate in Narrative Therapy. Her writing has appeared in TIME, Health, Glamour, Good Housekeeping, Women's Health, and VICE.